Two perspectives on marriage

I was on a business trip last week, travelling with two colleagues, a man and a woman, both married, both in their early 50’s. I had a couple marriage related conversations I’d like to tell you about to illustrate four points:

1. The significant financial and emotional risk of being married.
2. The common dogmatic assumption that everyone should want to be married, just because that’s the way it is.
3. The fallacy that not wanting to be married means you are afraid of commitment.
4. The fallacy that being married is required to have kids.

My first conversation was with the man, and illustrates point #1:

Infidelity is a one way street

The good news is that we’re finally talking rationally about infidelity.

More and more couples are choosing open marriages-- that is, marriages in which they spouses agree that being sexual with someone outside the marriage is okay.

The bad news is that no one seems to want to talk about the obvious: male infidelity is different than female infidelity. I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but men and women are different. Not only are their sexual appetites different, but when they do want sex, they want it for different reasons.

I’ve written previously about the fundamental mismatch in sexual appetites between men and women. The natural corollary is that no one should be surprised by male infidelity. Frankly, I don’t think anyone really is surprised when it happens. So why does our society continue to be shocked and appalled when men are unfaithful (if that's what you want to call it)?

Ask Men dating survey results

As I mentioned earlier, Ask Men has partnered with Cosmo to put together a great survey on the dating habits and tastes of men and women. Check them out if you have the chance. For now, I'll summarize the best results relating to the topics of this blog:

On marriage:

• To the question of whether or not they believe in marriage, 85% of women say “Yes, definitely!”, while only 66% of men say they plan to participate. Hmm, I wonder if that is a reflection of who is favored by the rules of engagement.
• How important is a prenup? 32% of men say somewhat or very important, versus only 26% of women.  Do you see a trend here?
• When asked which sex gets screwed in divorce courts, 79% of men and 41% of women say men get screwed. 1% of men and 18% of women think women get screwed. So both sexes agree. Men get screwed. Can we update these laws now? Waddya say we make things a little more fair?

On infidelity, sex, and attraction:

This week in...

...child support

• Who knew failing to pay child support could get you shot in the back by a police officer as you try to run away.
• I said it before, and I’ll say it again. See this film if you have the opportunity.
• A man pays child support for 16 years for a child that isn’t his.
  

...women

• For some reason, women just like to worry... and complain.
• We watch female sports if and when the athletes are hot, not for any other reason.

...dating, mating, and baboons

• It turns out, it’s pretty good to be No. 2.

You just can’t fight nature

Gender roles are based on nature, not societal pressure, customs, or whatever feminists would like to believe. They developed out of men and women’s innate differences. Men are better and some things, and women are better at others, on average. So the fact that your wife won’t respect you if you’re a stay at home dad is no surprise to me.

Tiger Woods, Frank McCourt, Sugar Shane: 3 more victims of alimony

Tiger Woods may be running out of money, due primarily to the outrageous alimony he’s paying to his ex-wife. In the mean time she’s living it up on Tiger’s dime with her new boyfriend, who just happens to be filthy rich as well. Surprise, surprise! I wonder if the two lovebirds will tie the not. Of course not, that would mean she'd no longer be able to legally rip off Tiger.

Don’t get married

Although it’s written by a comedian, Dean Obeidallah, this piece has a lot of truth to it (Isn’t that what makes the best comedy). It echoes many of my problems with marriage. First, that it’s a vestigial institution without much relevancy today:

Just because you have the legal right to wed, this doesn't mean it's a good idea. Marriage is as outdated as a Sony Discman and MySpace... The concept of marriage was created thousands of years ago and has not been updated since.

Second, the fallacy of one reason people often sight for marriage -- security and commitment:

9 more reasons (links)

1. If you don’t get married, you can still have a wonderful relationship with one of the world’s most beautiful people, raise a bunch of kids, and in general have a great life. Just ask Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Still not married.
2. You'll also be much less likely to have a woman cut your penis off, either figuratively or literally.
3. Nor will you be the victim of domestic violence at the hands of a raging psychopath like this woman who attacked the judge at her divorce hearing.
4. Christie Brinkley can tell you that marriage is ridiculous. Add her to the list of successful women who agree with me.
5. Those with experience think prostitution is just a form of dating. Actually, it's the other way around. Dating is a form of prostitution. And so is marriage!
6. You may have heard about the new trend of celebrating a divorce, but the truth is, there’s no such thing as an amicable divorce.
7. Why take yourself off the market when dating technology is advancing so rapidly? OkCupid is adding a location-based feature to its mobile app.
8. If you’re woman is going to manipulate you into proposing, what makes you think she won’t be manipulating you for the rest of your life?
9. We know child support isn't about the child, but this woman didn't get the memo. She's suing for child support 34 years later.

10 more reasons not to get married

1. If you don't get married, you'll never have to stand next to your wife and look like this chump while she gushes over her uncontrollable spending habits.
2. If you don't get married, your wife can never claim she has a right to your music catalog.
3. If you get married, your spouse might attempt to electrocute you after you tell them you want a divorce.
4. If you don't propose, no one can keep the engagement ring after refusing your proposal.
5. If you don't get married, you don't have to worry about perfecting the art of arguing.
6. The founder of eHarmony thinks you shouldn’t get married.
7. If you get married in NJ, your wife can plant a GPS tracker in your car.
8. If you don't get married, you won't have to come up with terms like "none-ogamy" to describe your sexless marriage.
9. Nor will you have to train your marriage dragon, whatever that is.
10. And finally, if you don't get married, you won't have to divide your apartment in half.

Weekend reading

1. The New Yorker explores the history of online dating. Personally, I'm more interested in the future.
2. In case you didn't know, coupons are tacky on a date. Women think it's romantic when you throw money away.
3. Definitely read this very thorough discussion of the many problems with child support calculations. Then read my analysis again.
4. The majority of Canadians now support legalized prostitution. Oh sure.
5. Hopefully you'll never need any of the five legal documents that can protect you in a relationship.
6. Most New Zealanders favor child support overhaul.
7. Good for Malaysia Airlines, banning babies First Class.
8. It turns out the success of female politicians might have a lot to do with nepotism.
9. Here are some good tips on how to be a better liar.

Four more reasons (links)

1. If you’re a man who wants to feel what it’s like to be pregnant (no thanks), you can try this contraption.
2. More resentment of men for, well, being men.
3. I wonder how many men these days wish they could sell their wives.
4. Congrats to Master P’s lawyers. Why do I have the feeling this victory will be short lived?

Reason #849: Jamie McCourt strikes gold

If you live in LA, are a Dodgers fan, or even follow Major League Baseball, you’ve probably heard about the McCourt divorce. Frank McCourt, the owner of the Dodgers, and his wife Jamie filed for divorce nearly two years ago after being married since 1979. And then, the bitter divorce battle ensued. Here’s a recap:

He says:

• His wife Jamie had an affair with her Dodgers bodyguard and driver, Jeff Fuller
• Jamie was fired by the Dodgers for "insubordination, non-responsiveness, failure to follow procedures, and inappropriate behavior with regard to a direct subordinate"
• Jamie and boyfriend Fuller spent more than two weeks on a summer vacation in France and billed the team for it
• He's low on cash and can't provide the hundreds of thousands of dollars Jamie wants in monthly compensation
• He's the sole owner of the Dodgers

She says:

• She's the equal co-owner of the Dodgers
• She was "unceremoniously" fired by Frank so he could steal her share of the team
• Frank is understating his net worth by hundreds of millions of dollars to avoid paying her
• She needs as much as $989,000 a month to maintain her lifestyle, assuming she's not reinstated as CEO (That's nearly $12 million a year).
• Her monthly living expenses include the upkeep on the McCourt houses (including a $34 million mansion in the Holmby Hills), salaries for a household staff of eight, tuition and living expenses for the couple's four sons, private jet travel, accommodations at five-star hotels, security escorts when traveling, as well as house calls from her hair stylist and make-up artist, according to the Wall Street Journal.

You might ask why any of this matters.

5 more reasons (Links)

1. Even if you’re bankrupt, you still have to pay alimony and child support.
2. News flash! Promiscuous women more likely to divorce! Study on promiscuous men to follow.
3. Divorce is painful enough without the courts getting involved.
4. In Canada and Australia, those in the know believe laws prohibiting prostitution actually make it more dangerous.
5. If you’re a Singaporean woman, I recommend not wearing makeup to the divorce proceedings.

Links

Don’t tax our lap dances!

Divorce, child custody battles not bad enough? What if you were attacked by three of your ex-wife’s family members?

More women telling each other, it’s your own damn fault.

Your online hijinks can and will be held against you

I’ve written about the crazy stuff that happens on Facebook] before. And we all know the stories of politicians done in by indiscreet e-behavior. But most of us aren't important enough to have anyone care about one or two misguided tweets... unless we’re married.

More and more, lawyers are combing the internet for evidence to use in divorce and child custody cases. That’s right, the stuff you post online might find its way into the body of evidence in family court.

In one child custody case, a woman’s lawyers used “a YouTube video of her former spouse partying on a 60-foot yacht in the Bahamas with multiple women” to persuade the judge that he was a bad parent.

In another example...

Chicago divorce attorney Dean Dussias had a client who was concerned his wife was cheating on him with someone over the Internet. After conducting searches and finding alias names in emails, Dussias discovered she was performing sexual acts and streaming the video on the Web for money.

Awesome. But if that doesn't make you cringe at the prospect of divorce proceedings, check out this even wilder story...

Marriage getting cheaper?

Leave it to the free market to work around problems created by over-regulation. Now you can offset some of the financial risk that comes with marriage by buying divorce insurance.

“WedLock” is a new type of casualty insurance that gives the unhappily married a payout after he or she is divorced.

It’s seems the founder came up with the idea after being burned by divorce himself:

[He] conceived the idea for Wedlock following his divorce 10 years ago. “My finances went to hell in a handbag,” he said. “I thought I can't be the only schmuck this is happening to. That was my ‘aha' moment.”

If you ask me, this is a welcome innovation that addresses one of the key issues I have with marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be a solution. Without prohibativley expenisve premiums, your payout probably isn’t going to put a significant dent in what you might be on the hook for in terms of alimony and/or child support:

Prenups

If you must get married, please, please, get a prenup! I know, I know, when you meet the right person, and everything feels so right, and you’re in love, you don’t want to spoil it by… blah blah blah. Look, no one believes when they get married that they’ll end up divorced. But it happens. A lot. And when it does, it’s not going to be any fun.

Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently the dude is worth a lot of money, and for some reason, in our society, that means his soon-to-be ex-wife Maria Shriver (how about a new rule that if you don’t change your name, you don’t get half?) is going to be entitled to a bunch of it. How much? No one really knows. Oooh how exciting for her!

Now doesn't Arnie feel stupid? Maybe things were different years ago when he tied the knot.  But these days, for less than the price of a first date, you can be well on your way to a legally binding agreement. Or if you don't have a couple of twamps to spare, just download Bill Murray's prenup for free.

Shoot me please!

Apparently there's a new reality show in the works to chronicle the legal battles surrounding high-stakes divorces.  Serenity now!

Wow, just wow.

Oh the wonders this 21^st century phenomenon we call social networking!

I read this status update from a Facebook friend today:

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes! Unfortunately I have been preoccupied since November 4th when I was on my wife's phone and saw many email exchanges with a guy she was running with after work. It included photo exchanges. Her attempts at reconciliation were not sincere so it's now a matter for the lawyers. It will be a while before I'm back online with any frequency.

Amazing to find such personal details candidly broadcast in a Facebook post, to say the least.  Here’s my take:

Jim Nantz Settles Divorce

Well, it’s been almost a year and a half since Jim Nantz decided to divorce his wife, but it looks like the two have reached a settlement.

Here is what being married to a famous sportscaster for 26 years will get you these days: