Two perspectives on marriage

I was on a business trip last week, travelling with two colleagues, a man and a woman, both married, both in their early 50’s. I had a couple marriage related conversations I’d like to tell you about to illustrate four points:

1. The significant financial and emotional risk of being married.
2. The common dogmatic assumption that everyone should want to be married, just because that’s the way it is.
3. The fallacy that not wanting to be married means you are afraid of commitment.
4. The fallacy that being married is required to have kids.

My first conversation was with the man, and illustrates point #1:

After the wine was flowing at dinner one night, he spilled his guts to me about his relationship history. I’m still not quite sure why, but he told me his story of multiple marriages, infidelity, divorce, and of course, child support. Long story short, it seems he was married with two kids, had an affair, separated with his wife, got the mistress pregnant, got back together with his wife, found out the mistress was pregnant, divorced his wife, tried to make it work with the mistress, broke up with the mistress, hit rock bottom, and then a decade or so later, got married again and had two more kids with his current wife. Best quotes: “It was tough for a while there, more than half my paycheck was going out the door before I saw a dime,” and “I’ll tell you what, there’s definitely something to be said for living alone.”

The next conversation was over a drink before we boarded our return flight. This time, I’ll give you the dialogue verbatim. For some reason, the woman enjoyed interrogating me on my life. This conversation began when I mentioned that I was dating someone but didn’t intend to marry her:

Woman: You don’t want to marry her?
Me: Not really.
Woman: Why not? (Point #2)
Me: Why would I want to get married? (Of course, she thought I was being facetious or rhetorical, but I wasn’t. I ask this question all the time, and I’m still waiting for an answer.)
Woman: Oh, I see you’re a commitment phobe?

Here's the common fallacy, point #3, that not thinking something is a good deal is akin to being afraid of it. Try saying this next time you are looking to sell someone your used car: “What, are you afraid of buying my car?” See what happens.

There is no fear involved in my rational conclusion that entering a long term financial contract where the only possible loser is me is a bad idea. The only fear surrounding the marriage decision is the fear of being alone, but contrary to the common fallacy, it's what causes people to get married. Now back to the conversation.

Man: (Shrugging) Some people don’t want to get married. I’ve been married twice, and I’ll tell you what, if this marriage doesn’t work out, I’m done. (Thanks for the voice of reason.)

Woman: (Some time later, out of the blue) So you don’t want to have kids? (Point #4)
Me: Do I need to be married to have kids? I don’t think I have to be married to have kids, as far as I know.
Woman: (Laughing) I guess you’re right. Good answer. (Again, I’m still waiting for a serious response.)