Do women from OkCupid put out more, and does myBestFace work?

Anonymous writes:

I love your book: short and sweet. I came to the same conclusion on sending a generic first email, but was looking for someone who ran the experiment that I wanted to run. Now that I see you did it, I can rest easy.

Question: It makes sense that the women on match.com who are paid members would be more likely to respond and follow through on meeting you, but my how much more or less likely are they to put out quickly compared to the ones from say okcupid?

My theory would be that they are less likely to put out quickly because they are paying and expecting more commitment. But you actually have experience. Are there any noticeable differences?

He continues by offering a couple links on another topic from my book:

Okcupid myBestFace features is pretty useless:

http://jesse.la/okcupids-mybestface-would-be-awesome-if-it-worked/

https://www.joshsway.com/articles/view/stop-using-okcupids-mybestface

First of all, Mr. Anonymous, thanks for reading. I'm glad you like the book. How about a positive review on Amazon? Anyway now that that shameless promotion is out of the way, let's take these questions one at a time.

Announcing My New Book!

Dear loyal readers,

I’m ridiculously excited and disgustingly proud to announce the release of my new book A Hacker's Guide to Online Dating, How to Train Your Computer to Get You Dates. Available on Amazon here.

If you enjoy the blog, you’ll love this book. It’s everything I've learned throughout my years in the online dating world. All the tips and tricks on how to optimize the dating process to do what online dating is supposed to do – get you actual face to face dates – as efficiently as possible. Basically, overcoming the paradox of choice. I've even included the automation code that I personally developed and use to have my computer do most of the work for me. Online dating on steroids!

I’ll be posting excerpts periodically – there’s so much good material here that I’m not going to limit it to just the book - but to wet your whistle, the table of contents is below. I also want to do something for my loyal readers. For the next 5 days, the kindle ebook is going to be available absolutely free! No strings attached. The whole thing. Free. What are you waiting for? Here’s that link again. The only thing I ask in return is this: if you like it, give me a review on Amazon. It always helps. And let me know how my strategies work out for you. You can always reach me here in the comments section.

Vaya con dios,
Dorian

Date night

Age: 24
Ethnicity: Hispanic, white mix
Met her: online
Height: 5’ 0”
Body: Somewhat disappointing. A little more than pictures indicated in the stomach, arms, and thigh regions.
Boobs: Again, didn’t live up to expectations.
Butt: Looked ok, but also looked like it took quite a bit of effort to get into those jeans.
Date: Drinks, and -- surprise, surprise -- some unplanned food.
Cost: $31 + $25 paid by her

Summary:
The date is best summed up by the following quotes:

   “Growing up, I was kind of a chubby girl.” (Uh oh)

   “I’ve never really taken care of myself, you know, aesthetically.” (Oh god)

   “Let’s do it again.” (I'll think about it)

Argument for seeing her again: She was cool, easy going. Her body wasn’t THAT bad. She was sitting down next to me at the bar the whole time, which tends to have an unflattering effect on the stomach (Ok, I'm rationalizing). Fat girls, or in this case, formerly fat girls tend to be, let’s just say, more adventurous in bed.
Argument against: Rule No. 4.

Red flags I missed: Upon further review, Nos. 2 - 4 may have been present to some extent. Again I was burned by the “average” body type. Probably should just steer clear of it all together.
Lessons: I’m starting to think the fact that I’m getting regular poon elsewhere is killing my motivation. I’m just not feeling the urgency. I’m not desperate enough. A few months ago I probably would have jumped all over a girl like this. But now? Not worth my time.

Infidelity is a one way street

The good news is that we’re finally talking rationally about infidelity.

More and more couples are choosing open marriages-- that is, marriages in which they spouses agree that being sexual with someone outside the marriage is okay.

The bad news is that no one seems to want to talk about the obvious: male infidelity is different than female infidelity. I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but men and women are different. Not only are their sexual appetites different, but when they do want sex, they want it for different reasons.

I’ve written previously about the fundamental mismatch in sexual appetites between men and women. The natural corollary is that no one should be surprised by male infidelity. Frankly, I don’t think anyone really is surprised when it happens. So why does our society continue to be shocked and appalled when men are unfaithful (if that's what you want to call it)?

Ask Men dating survey results

As I mentioned earlier, Ask Men has partnered with Cosmo to put together a great survey on the dating habits and tastes of men and women. Check them out if you have the chance. For now, I'll summarize the best results relating to the topics of this blog:

On marriage:

• To the question of whether or not they believe in marriage, 85% of women say “Yes, definitely!”, while only 66% of men say they plan to participate. Hmm, I wonder if that is a reflection of who is favored by the rules of engagement.
• How important is a prenup? 32% of men say somewhat or very important, versus only 26% of women.  Do you see a trend here?
• When asked which sex gets screwed in divorce courts, 79% of men and 41% of women say men get screwed. 1% of men and 18% of women think women get screwed. So both sexes agree. Men get screwed. Can we update these laws now? Waddya say we make things a little more fair?

On infidelity, sex, and attraction:

Sex drive and marriage

One problem with marriage, or any lifetime monogamous relationship for that matter, is that men’s and women’s sex drives just don’t match up long term.

The male sexual appetite is stronger, stays high for longer, and is focused primarily on a physical attractiveness, which tends to decay with time in women (in both sexes to be fair, but less dramatically in men).

On the other hand, the female sex drive is weaker, peaks during “child bearing” years, falling off dramatically over the age of forty, and tends to be more about non-physical qualities, many of which, such as power and success, increase in men as they age.

To illustrate this imbalance, I complied some data from several different sources to develop the following chart. It plots the male and female sex hormones with age, relative to their respective peak production:

This week in...

...sex

• Is casual sex worth it? Yes, yes it is. Any other questions?
• If you’re going on a date sometime soon, think about incorporating some of these libido boosters. Hint: wear red, hold her hand, and get her adrenaline pumping.

...alimony

• It’s gonna happen! The end, er, restriction of lifetime alimony in MA. Catch the fever!
• Just when it looked like Arnie was going to stand up against alimony, he pussed out.

10 more reasons not to get married

1. If you don't get married, you'll never have to stand next to your wife and look like this chump while she gushes over her uncontrollable spending habits.
2. If you don't get married, your wife can never claim she has a right to your music catalog.
3. If you get married, your spouse might attempt to electrocute you after you tell them you want a divorce.
4. If you don't propose, no one can keep the engagement ring after refusing your proposal.
5. If you don't get married, you don't have to worry about perfecting the art of arguing.
6. The founder of eHarmony thinks you shouldn’t get married.
7. If you get married in NJ, your wife can plant a GPS tracker in your car.
8. If you don't get married, you won't have to come up with terms like "none-ogamy" to describe your sexless marriage.
9. Nor will you have to train your marriage dragon, whatever that is.
10. And finally, if you don't get married, you won't have to divide your apartment in half.

Unwilling fathers: deadbeats or victims?

The British Prime Minister thinks it’s the former. In a Father’s Day piece in the British newspaper The Telegraph, the PM wrote this:

It's high time runaway dads were stigmatised and the full force of shame was heaped upon them. They should be looked at like drink-drivers, people who are beyond the pale. They need the message rammed home to them, from every part of our culture, that what they're doing is wrong; that leaving single mothers, who do a heroic job against all odds, to fend for themselves simply isn't acceptable.

Demonizing men who are unwilling to be fathers against their will is not new, but this is a little over the top. It sounds like these men would be beaten in the streets if the PM had his way. The idea that all single mothers are heroes and the fathers deadbeats is ridiculous.

Does the PM know the circumstances surrounding each of the men he wants to stigmatize? Many men are made fathers against their will. Here’s an example:

Female ejaculation and ancient sex wisdom

They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned a little about the mysteries of female ejaculation and, tangentially, some ancient sex advice… always interesting. According to the Bering in Mind blog from Scientific American, science still doesn’t understand female ejaculation, but that doesn’t stop it from leading to hilarious situations like this:

…most female ejaculators report "copious" amounts of fluid being released around the time of orgasm, enough to "soak the bed" or "spray the wall" or have their partner scream in terror and misunderstanding

Anything that causes screaming in terror during sex is pretty funny in my book. But if you ask me, this particular situation is nothing to get scared about.

While tracing the history of sexual knowledge of the female body, the article also provided this ancient wisdom:

The 4th century Taoist text, Secret Instructions Concerning the Jade Chamber, written for the enterprising man in the art of satisfying a woman in bed, suggested that he decipher the following "five signs" of feminine arousal accordingly:

1. "reddened face" = "she wants to make love with you"
2. "breasts hard and nose perspiring" = "she wants you to insert your penis"
3. "throat dry and saliva blocked" = "she is very stimulated and excited"
4. "slippery vagina" = "she wants to have her orgasm soon"
5. "the genitals transmit fluid" = "she has already been satisfied"

All great advice. So naturally, it got me wondering, where can I find this sacred text? A Google search led me to this from an Eastern massage website:

What's Your Price: Prostitution or a good deal?

How much do I usually spend on a first date with a woman I’ve met online? And how often is it a total waste when she turns out to be either unattractive or uninterested? These are the questions I was asking myself after hearing about a new online dating site called What’s Your Price. It’s a new model where the suitors bid on what they'll pay to go on a date with the object of their affection.

My first thought: Is this a site for prostitutes or golddiggers... or both? But then I started thinking, maybe it’s not such a bad idea when you consider all the money I’ve wasted on bad dates. The average price of a What's Your Price date in my area (Los Angeles) is about $170 (not including the cost of the actual date), and the available women seem to be attractive, and let’s just say, “looking for a good time.”

It shouldn’t be to difficult to run a few numbers. But first, another question: How is this even legal? Isn’t this prostitution?

10 rules for chaste wanton dating

More dating rules to ponder, this time from a strictly Catholic point of view. I like these a lot! But sadly, not being Catholic myself, I had to modify them slightly. My updates are in italics:

10 Rules for Chaste Wanton Dating

1. The purpose of dating is to find the person you wish to marry get laid, the one who will become the father or mother of your while minimizing the risk of having children. Keep that always in mind and terminate the relationship if and as soon as you realize this is not the person you’re not getting any.
2. Never allow yourself The ultimate goal is to be alone in a closed room or parked car with your date.
3. Always plan to be sexually active on a date. Have activities lined up (backup plans too) so you don’t find yourself in a position or situation of idleness. Bring a condom.
4. Dress appropriately for the occasion but always modestly. Wear clean underwear.
5. Regardless of who “pays” for the date no one “owes” anybody anything, other than sex.
6. Any actions that cause sexual arousal (need I define them? aaaaw yeah) are to be avoided encouraged, including forms of dancing that are designed to cause it. Help each other to say no yes.
7. A peck, a quick kiss (mouths closed), a brief hug or holding hands are permissible useless, since they are non-sexual expressions of affection.
8. Don’t kid yourself. You are no different from anyone else. Don’t count on your self-control. You are weak! You just can’t go “so far.” Just give in to the moment and go for it!
9. Your soul is at stake and perhaps a happy shotgun marriage and a or possible vocation child support. So be sure to use a condom.
10. The road to chastity sexual fulfillment is paved with prayer fatties, the Eucharist prudes, and reading of the New Testament wasting money on bad dates. If you fail, have recourse to the Sacrament of Penance look at some porn as soon as possible and begin again.

The smartest things I've read today

"Condemning is easy; fixing is hard." -- From an psychotherapists’ look at how Rep. Weiner might save his marriage.

And also from Psychology Today, "Everything said about Anthony Weiner is... bullshit."

From the Salon article I wrote about earlier.

[T]his latest political sex scandal had me seriously reconsidering whether monogamous marriage is realistic... All of this leads me to re-conclude that I won't be marrying a politician or a celebrity. That isn't to say that I won't also reconsider my definition of marital faithfulness -- and if I do, something tells me I'll have plenty of company.

"Men will not be committing [sex crimes] if they are sexually satisfied at home." -- The grand idea behind the founding of the Obedient Wives Club.

And more wisdom imported from Malaysia.

Men have only one desire, which is for women, while women have nine desires for a new handbag, new shoes and many more... Women today, however, feel that it is the men who should understand them and fulfill all their needs.

Infidelity, everyone's doing it

As I’ve pointed out before infidelity is not all that common. It's difficult to measure, since no one really wants to admit to it, but no matter how you slice it, lot's of people are doing it. But how many? What portion of spouses are unfaithful? 10%? 50%? 80%? Salon looks at the opinions of a few experts who study the matter:

The best educated guess, according to researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, is that an affair takes place within 40 to 76 percent of marriages: "A conservative interpretation of these figures suggests that although perhaps half of all married couples remain monogamous, the other half will experience an infidelity over the course of a marriage."

And here's another take:

As the anthropologist Helen Fisher explains, a meta-analysis of a dozen American infidelity studies found that "31% of men and 16% of women had had a sexual affair that entailed no emotional involvement; 13% of men and 21% of women had been romantically but not sexually involved with someone other than their spouse; and 20% of men and women had engaged in an affair that included both a sexual and emotional connection."

OK, so it depends on who you ask, and what you call infidelity. But suffice it to say, a lot of people are stepping out.

Satisfy your man, and he'll never stray

Other cultures just seem to do things better than we in America. For whatever reason, we tend to ignore, or refuse to except, the laws of nature. Not these women in Malasia.

The Obedient Wives Club is a place where members can go for counseling and discussion forums on the how's and why's of keeping their men sexually satisfied:

[V]ice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamed [a woman] said the secret to a happy family and subsequently the solution to all of society's ills is a happy man at home, which can be achieved if women served their husbands like “first-class prostitutes”.

And director Fauziah Ariffin (a woman) agrees:

Bravo Alec Baldwin

The original Jack Ryan has a piece in The Huffington Post defending Rep. Weiner against everyone piling on top of his personal crisis. Here's Alec Baldwin, the realist:

[Wiener] needs something to take the edge off. For some people, regardless of occupation, that could mean booze, drugs, gambling, food or shopping. For high functioning men like Weiner and other officials who have lived through such scandals, who are constantly on the go, that leaves one tried and true source of a reliable high. The affirmation that comes when someone lets you know they want to sleep with you. Or even cyber-sleep with you.

The bottom line is this: people cheat because they can. And of course, because they want to. As Baldwin puts it:

Appointment sex with your spouse doesn't always arrive when you need it most. A modern cell phone, loaded with contacts of willing fellow players [is] ready for you at virtually any time.

People, and men in particular, have sexual needs. I remain skeptical that those needs can be met within the confines of a monogamous marriage. The Weiner affair (pun intended) is just one more piece in a rather large pile of evidence.

Marriage sounds wonderful

Boy, I can’t wait until the day I find that special someone, finally decide to settle down, and enjoy a lifetime of this:

You've tried marriage therapy. You've tried date night. You've tried attitude adjustment, and tricking yourself into ignoring the discontent

...but nothing works.

You're in the group of "low-conflict," amiable but less than fulfilling marriages. Marriage researchers estimate that they contribute the lion's share to divorce court each year -- anywhere from 55% to 65%.

So consider yourself lucky.  You don’t have a horrible life, just a mind-numbingly boring one. But the silver lining is that more people are starting to realize how ridiculous marriage is:

Depressing marriage stat of the day

Apparently, there are 40 million Americans stuck in sexless marriages.

That’s from The Chart’s article on "getting back in sexual sync", also known as spicing things up a bit.  Here's the problem:

Generally, at the start of a relationship, the thrill of infatuation keeps us sexually motivated - the whole “can’t keep your hands off of each other” phase - but once we settle into a sense of routine, gaps in libido that may have previously been masked become revealed.

Imagine that.  I have a stupid question: why exactly do I want to settle into this routine to begin with?

To me it’s pretty clear what the problem is: boredom.  Even sex isn’t all that much fun when it’s the same thing over and over again, with no possible end to the monotony it sight.  Yet, as we’ve seen before, The Chart attempts to rationalize sexual disinterest with a list of “reasons” that are all basically synonyms for I’m not really that turned on by you.  They include:

– Stress, depression, and anxiety
– Age, health, and medical treatment
– Lifestyle issues such as sleep, exercise, nutrition, and tobacco and alcohol consumption
– Relationship boredom
– Diminishing sexual attraction to one’s partner
– Relationship issues and anger
– Lack of sexual enjoyment during partner sex
– Milestones such as having kids that often test a relationship
– Lack of prioritization of sex

Then the article goes into a bunch of ways you can, you know, communicate and eventually, if you're lucky, have sex.  Thanks doc.  Here’s my advice: find something that turns you on and do it.

Why do men cheat?

Because they can. It couldn't be that simple could it? I mean there must be a more satisfying answer, right? Right? Arrogance, culture wars, shifting moral standards, risk-taking, thrill-seeking... or they're horny and they think they can get away with it. Or just horny.

And another thing. Please don't compare rape with having an affair.

Maybe I should move to China

You can try to stigmatize it if you want, but people are going to have sex, often outside the bounds of their marriage.  Like life, sex will find a way.  And the more you try to prevent it, the more deviant it will become as it is pushed into the hidden corners of society.  So no, I'm not surprised that mistresses are common in China, nor do I think it should be labeled an "epidemic," implying without basis that it is a problem that needs to be corrected.