10 rules for chaste wanton dating

More dating rules to ponder, this time from a strictly Catholic point of view. I like these a lot! But sadly, not being Catholic myself, I had to modify them slightly. My updates are in italics:

10 Rules for Chaste Wanton Dating

1. The purpose of dating is to find the person you wish to marry get laid, the one who will become the father or mother of your while minimizing the risk of having children. Keep that always in mind and terminate the relationship if and as soon as you realize this is not the person you’re not getting any.
2. Never allow yourself The ultimate goal is to be alone in a closed room or parked car with your date.
3. Always plan to be sexually active on a date. Have activities lined up (backup plans too) so you don’t find yourself in a position or situation of idleness. Bring a condom.
4. Dress appropriately for the occasion but always modestly. Wear clean underwear.
5. Regardless of who “pays” for the date no one “owes” anybody anything, other than sex.
6. Any actions that cause sexual arousal (need I define them? aaaaw yeah) are to be avoided encouraged, including forms of dancing that are designed to cause it. Help each other to say no yes.
7. A peck, a quick kiss (mouths closed), a brief hug or holding hands are permissible useless, since they are non-sexual expressions of affection.
8. Don’t kid yourself. You are no different from anyone else. Don’t count on your self-control. You are weak! You just can’t go “so far.” Just give in to the moment and go for it!
9. Your soul is at stake and perhaps a happy shotgun marriage and a or possible vocation child support. So be sure to use a condom.
10. The road to chastity sexual fulfillment is paved with prayer fatties, the Eucharist prudes, and reading of the New Testament wasting money on bad dates. If you fail, have recourse to the Sacrament of Penance look at some porn as soon as possible and begin again.