Infidelity is a one way street

The good news is that we’re finally talking rationally about infidelity.

More and more couples are choosing open marriages-- that is, marriages in which they spouses agree that being sexual with someone outside the marriage is okay.

The bad news is that no one seems to want to talk about the obvious: male infidelity is different than female infidelity. I hate to let the cat out of the bag, but men and women are different. Not only are their sexual appetites different, but when they do want sex, they want it for different reasons.

I’ve written previously about the fundamental mismatch in sexual appetites between men and women. The natural corollary is that no one should be surprised by male infidelity. Frankly, I don’t think anyone really is surprised when it happens. So why does our society continue to be shocked and appalled when men are unfaithful (if that's what you want to call it)?

Ask Men dating survey results

As I mentioned earlier, Ask Men has partnered with Cosmo to put together a great survey on the dating habits and tastes of men and women. Check them out if you have the chance. For now, I'll summarize the best results relating to the topics of this blog:

On marriage:

• To the question of whether or not they believe in marriage, 85% of women say “Yes, definitely!”, while only 66% of men say they plan to participate. Hmm, I wonder if that is a reflection of who is favored by the rules of engagement.
• How important is a prenup? 32% of men say somewhat or very important, versus only 26% of women.  Do you see a trend here?
• When asked which sex gets screwed in divorce courts, 79% of men and 41% of women say men get screwed. 1% of men and 18% of women think women get screwed. So both sexes agree. Men get screwed. Can we update these laws now? Waddya say we make things a little more fair?

On infidelity, sex, and attraction:

Your online hijinks can and will be held against you

I’ve written about the crazy stuff that happens on Facebook] before. And we all know the stories of politicians done in by indiscreet e-behavior. But most of us aren't important enough to have anyone care about one or two misguided tweets... unless we’re married.

More and more, lawyers are combing the internet for evidence to use in divorce and child custody cases. That’s right, the stuff you post online might find its way into the body of evidence in family court.

In one child custody case, a woman’s lawyers used “a YouTube video of her former spouse partying on a 60-foot yacht in the Bahamas with multiple women” to persuade the judge that he was a bad parent.

In another example...

Chicago divorce attorney Dean Dussias had a client who was concerned his wife was cheating on him with someone over the Internet. After conducting searches and finding alias names in emails, Dussias discovered she was performing sexual acts and streaming the video on the Web for money.

Awesome. But if that doesn't make you cringe at the prospect of divorce proceedings, check out this even wilder story...

The smartest things I've read today

"Condemning is easy; fixing is hard." -- From an psychotherapists’ look at how Rep. Weiner might save his marriage.

And also from Psychology Today, "Everything said about Anthony Weiner is... bullshit."

From the Salon article I wrote about earlier.

[T]his latest political sex scandal had me seriously reconsidering whether monogamous marriage is realistic... All of this leads me to re-conclude that I won't be marrying a politician or a celebrity. That isn't to say that I won't also reconsider my definition of marital faithfulness -- and if I do, something tells me I'll have plenty of company.

"Men will not be committing [sex crimes] if they are sexually satisfied at home." -- The grand idea behind the founding of the Obedient Wives Club.

And more wisdom imported from Malaysia.

Men have only one desire, which is for women, while women have nine desires for a new handbag, new shoes and many more... Women today, however, feel that it is the men who should understand them and fulfill all their needs.

Infidelity, everyone's doing it

As I’ve pointed out before infidelity is not all that common. It's difficult to measure, since no one really wants to admit to it, but no matter how you slice it, lot's of people are doing it. But how many? What portion of spouses are unfaithful? 10%? 50%? 80%? Salon looks at the opinions of a few experts who study the matter:

The best educated guess, according to researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, is that an affair takes place within 40 to 76 percent of marriages: "A conservative interpretation of these figures suggests that although perhaps half of all married couples remain monogamous, the other half will experience an infidelity over the course of a marriage."

And here's another take:

As the anthropologist Helen Fisher explains, a meta-analysis of a dozen American infidelity studies found that "31% of men and 16% of women had had a sexual affair that entailed no emotional involvement; 13% of men and 21% of women had been romantically but not sexually involved with someone other than their spouse; and 20% of men and women had engaged in an affair that included both a sexual and emotional connection."

OK, so it depends on who you ask, and what you call infidelity. But suffice it to say, a lot of people are stepping out.

Satisfy your man, and he'll never stray

Other cultures just seem to do things better than we in America. For whatever reason, we tend to ignore, or refuse to except, the laws of nature. Not these women in Malasia.

The Obedient Wives Club is a place where members can go for counseling and discussion forums on the how's and why's of keeping their men sexually satisfied:

[V]ice-president Dr Rohaya Mohamed [a woman] said the secret to a happy family and subsequently the solution to all of society's ills is a happy man at home, which can be achieved if women served their husbands like “first-class prostitutes”.

And director Fauziah Ariffin (a woman) agrees:

Bravo Alec Baldwin

The original Jack Ryan has a piece in The Huffington Post defending Rep. Weiner against everyone piling on top of his personal crisis. Here's Alec Baldwin, the realist:

[Wiener] needs something to take the edge off. For some people, regardless of occupation, that could mean booze, drugs, gambling, food or shopping. For high functioning men like Weiner and other officials who have lived through such scandals, who are constantly on the go, that leaves one tried and true source of a reliable high. The affirmation that comes when someone lets you know they want to sleep with you. Or even cyber-sleep with you.

The bottom line is this: people cheat because they can. And of course, because they want to. As Baldwin puts it:

Appointment sex with your spouse doesn't always arrive when you need it most. A modern cell phone, loaded with contacts of willing fellow players [is] ready for you at virtually any time.

People, and men in particular, have sexual needs. I remain skeptical that those needs can be met within the confines of a monogamous marriage. The Weiner affair (pun intended) is just one more piece in a rather large pile of evidence.

Links

I'm sure you've all heard enough about Weiner-gate by now.  What's that?  You haven't?  OK, well here's some more: an analysis of how the fact that his wife is pregnant changes the game.

And here's a reason I need to visit Switzerland.  Now that I think about it, maybe Weiner should have taken a diplomatic trip there.

Weiner bashing

Come on, can't we go a little easier on Rep. Weiner?  Does being bored in a sexless marriage make a man an arrogant cheater?  (And no, I'm not being presumptuous by saying the marriage is sexless.  It's well known that both travel frequently for their jobs.)  I mean after all, don't we all have a little weiner in us?  Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Why do men cheat?

Because they can. It couldn't be that simple could it? I mean there must be a more satisfying answer, right? Right? Arrogance, culture wars, shifting moral standards, risk-taking, thrill-seeking... or they're horny and they think they can get away with it. Or just horny.

And another thing. Please don't compare rape with having an affair.

Maybe I should move to China

You can try to stigmatize it if you want, but people are going to have sex, often outside the bounds of their marriage.  Like life, sex will find a way.  And the more you try to prevent it, the more deviant it will become as it is pushed into the hidden corners of society.  So no, I'm not surprised that mistresses are common in China, nor do I think it should be labeled an "epidemic," implying without basis that it is a problem that needs to be corrected.

Is infidelity all that rare?

I don’t know why anyone would promise to have sex with only one person for the rest of their life.  But some people do.  Any many of those people end up being unable to keep that promise.  Cheating. Betrayal. Infidelity. All words used to stigmatize people who are either unable or unwilling to be monogamous.

But guess what.  Sometimes sex doesn't have much to do with love or commitment: 

[According to] Beth Hedva, a therapist and psychologist from Alberta, Canada... a man or woman can love his or her spouse very much and still be capable of an affair. Such infidelity is not as uncommon as we like to pretend, she said. Its acceptability varies with cultures. Its tolerance varies in our own circle of friends.

Well said.  Sometimes I wish I lived in a more permissive culture.  But even here in America, despite the labels, infidelity is not all that uncommon:

Go to the Internet and to something called infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html. Right there it says that the percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional, is 41 percent.

Of course these data are from surveys, based on what people actually admit to.  Who knows what the truth really is.  But the bottom line is that, for some people, monogamy is just too cruel a rule.

Wow, just wow.

Oh the wonders this 21^st century phenomenon we call social networking!

I read this status update from a Facebook friend today:

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes! Unfortunately I have been preoccupied since November 4th when I was on my wife's phone and saw many email exchanges with a guy she was running with after work. It included photo exchanges. Her attempts at reconciliation were not sincere so it's now a matter for the lawyers. It will be a while before I'm back online with any frequency.

Amazing to find such personal details candidly broadcast in a Facebook post, to say the least.  Here’s my take: